Home

means freedom.

I think I'm about to go out and wander like a puppy.

waking up to the sound of music

Got a phone call at 5:30am this morning. Thought it was my boss again. Turned out to be a friend. What a wonderful way to wake up. Timely encouragement. I've only been out here a week, but I'm ready to throw myself off the roof. At least for now, that readiness is dissipated.

Familiarity

Familiar enough that the front desk knows me by name.
Familiar enough to call my hotel room "home" when I received my keys.
Familiar enough to have "my" breakfast waitress exclaim in delight to see me.
Familiar enough to receive a line of hugs from customers when I entered the facility.
Familiar enough to see old oppugners quickly change route to circle around me.
Familiar enough to leave my gps off.
Familiar enough to walk, not drive, to the grocery store (and have a discount card for the regional chain).
Familiar enough to give directions to the locals.
Familiar enough to bypass tourist attractions and instead settle into an armchair in a used book store and fall promptly asleep.

Strange goodbyes

Sarah McLachlan's "I will remember you" is playing in the background.

Sarah: I will remember you
Me: Don't Cry. I'll be back soon.
Sarah: Will you remember me?
Coworker: Oh god. I hope so.
Me: It's just going to be a couple weeks.
Coworker: The more you say this, the less convinced I am.
Me: Everything is going to be alright.
Coworker: [sarcastically] Oh, that makes me feel a whole lot better.

Sarah: Weep not for the memories...

Big night tonight

Trying to get a lot of stuff done before possibly flying out on Saturday (still haven't heard whether I'm staying or going yet.)

I've already gotten quite a few errands done tonight. Now I've got to get my taxes finished.

As always, my emotions betray me. When I need to get something technical done, my heart goes the other way. There needs to be some kind of on/off switch for this kind of thing.

I'm playing WSQX in the background. I'm hoping that will do the trick.

Drifts a melody so strange and sweet

Making the best of what I've got

March 13: slept.

March 14: slept and processed and slept some more.

March 15: slept, worked, reconnected, and began making future plans/acting on them.

March 16: got my motorcycle out of storage and began prepping for riding season. Caught up with a good friend and had an amazing (unplanned) 2 hour dinner. Ordered turbotax.

March 17: went to LW, cried my eyes out, then cried some more while praying for group members. Then received some really great news about the work God has been doing.

Habitual productivity and the realistic concern of getting sent back out soon has pushed me to be even more productive than usual. I am ok with this. At least, for the time being, I am being productive for me and the people around me.

Looking forward to the days ahead. There is a lot to do. But I have the confidence that a lot will get done.

When coming home doesn't feel like coming home

I went back into work today and saw my desk calendar was still on December 3, 2009. It was the last day I was at my desk before the trips to Denver began. I came back for a two week period for Christmas, and then went off again. I came back again for another two week break, and I have been gone ever since. I have effectively been gone since early December, which makes this the longest stretch I have ever been away from Binghamton since I had summer breaks in college. What a world of difference it was to come back on Saturday.

I did not intentionally drive through the run down part of town when I came home from the airport. It was one of many familiar routes I could have chosen. This one avoided the highway. But it also caused me to see the great contrast between the growing metropolis in Denver and the dying town in Binghamton. It was downright depressing. I mourned as I drove through, although I didn't know why I was feeling it at the time. I had intended to drive straight to my friends' place to attend the planned festivities. Instead, I drove straight home. I wasn't able to be around people in that moment.

For the rest of the evening and for most of Sunday, I stayed in that state of mourning. I had invitations to see good friends, but I wasn't ready yet. I had shut down such a significant part of myself while I was away that the sudden realization of what I had lost was overwhelming. I am still trying to process that now.

Working the hours I did was not a problem. I found that my experience working long hours between my job and church well prepared me for going the distance in Colorado. However, what I was not prepared for was being cut off from I live for. The others guys I worked with found what they have always been (superficially) looking for in alcohol, strip clubs, and fancy restaurants. For them, it was an upgrade in life, even though they had to pay for it with uncommonly long hours. However, I don't live for those things. I live for community, for building each other up, and for doing the work of God.

Although I was able to do many of those things, being away from church and people who would normally invest in me was much harder than I had anticipated. I had to be "on" almost all the time. I led when there was no one else to lead the way. I gave much more than I received. And I gave constantly. I'm grateful that I was able to minister and serve others, especially unexpectedly through my job, but I have a limit to how long I can be firm and yet stay soft. In the end, I poured hot wax over my wounds. I hardened my heart to my own needs and remained soft to the needs of others. When I drove through those run down streets of Binghamton, I couldn't convince myself to see my friends and be real with them. Festivities are not a time to ask for healing tears.

And so I drove through those dying streets of a dying town that I had trouble recognizing. A town I have been so much a part of for so long, but now wonder what my place, if any, is in it. I know it like the back of my hand but now I see it with new eyes. Eyes that cause to me to ask, shall I stay or shall I go?

Foreshadowing

I walked up to the observation deck, wondering what there was to see. The conveyor for baggage claim was broken, so I knew there would be a few minutes to spare. As I entered the darkened room, I was surprised to see someone else already there. He stood off to the side, looking out the window. As I approached, I saw that there was a small plane beginning to pull away from the building.

I walked up to the window, keeping a respectful distance. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him lean forward and rest his forehead against the glass. He thought better and quickly leaned back. He continued to stare outwards. I did the same.

The plane quickly went behind the building and drove out of sight. We continued to watch anyways, waiting for it to come out onto the runway and take off.

A sense of loss permeated the room.

Minutes passed. Silence stood between us as the rain whipped against the window in the darkness. The light from the lighthouse rhythmically struck the sky.

Twice, he gave up and started to walk away.

Twice, he saw me standing there looking out that window, and turned back to wait it out a little longer.

Out of a sense of duty, I stayed there with him.

Finally, we heard a great roar, and the plane shot into the air in front of us. He pressed his right hand against the glass as the plane hurtled away into the western sky.

A breath.

He turned and limped away before the flashing lights disappeared into the night.

Below me, I heard the conveyor start to move and luggage drop onto the rotating belt. It was time to go home.

I just walked in the door. It is alien. Unfamiliar. And unsettling.

I don't like this feeling.

Ending on a high note

I didn't overstress on my last day here. In fact, I don't think I stressed much at all. There were a couple of points during the day where I was upset at the way my antagonist was treating me and some of my other coworkers, but I am accepting that it has nothing to do with me. It is totally her. She has no call to be rude in the way that she has been. I let myself off the hook; I am no longer trying to figure out what I did wrong; It was her all along.

I received a lot of hugs and handshakes as the day began to end. I actually started receiving them yesterday, because not everyone was coming in today. Phone numbers, email, and even mailing addresses were exchanged. It can't get much more validating than having so many people personally seek me out and ask to stay in touch. One lady even gave me her family's secret recipe for a favorite dish.

I will never tell a soul.

It's amazing what a difference two weeks make. If I had left as scheduled when I was supposed to, this would have been a catastrophe. My acting manager would have had to come in and try to pick up from where I left off. Undoubtedly, and this is not a strike against him, it would have gotten worse if he had tried to do so. But instead, I was able to give my manager a tour of the facility and its operations today and show him how well things were going. In fact, today was the best day we have ever run. People clapped at the ring of the closing bell when they saw how much we had accomplished.

Peace. Satisfaction. And again, peace, especially of mind. Don't get me wrong, things are still pretty bad out here. We will be scrambling and busting our butts for months to come. But I can leave here knowing that I have brought order to chaos in the area of my responsibility, and I have left things significantly better than they were before I came.

*******

If this had just been about work, I don't think I would really care. What makes this so different is that I was able to touch lives. I lived a good testimony. I preached the gospel (to some extent) with my actions. Praise God for that. The difficulty and sacrifice was well worth it. Praise God.

Teach me some melodious sonnet, sung my flaming tongues above

Loyal to a fault

I've had a lot of things to be unhappy about recently. And I've been trying not to let them get me down. But losing a "friend" is a little unsettling. I respect and admire that we asians tend to be loyal and we stick together with the people we love. But somewhere along the way, I learned a revolutionary (to me) thought; do not take up someone else's offenses.

I used to think that the right thing to do was to hate the person my friend hates, even if that third person was also my friend. I had to stick up for the ones I love. But I have come to decide that this wasn't for me anymore. If I have beef with someone because of a conflict that doesn't involve me, I need to clear the air and settle it. Escalating the conflict didn't resolve anything. It just meant I lost a friend without making an attempt at reconciliation.

And so, I find myself in a position where one person has beef with me, and has turned another friend against me. Granted, their friendship with each other goes back a lot further than my friendship with either of them. I only met them when I came to Colorado. But if I'm here to help you, and to work with you, you need to be able to work with me too. At the very least, be professional. The cold shoulder, the ignoring my presence, etc. is very childish. You're older than me. You're supposed to be a senior representative of your company. Act like it.

I'm frustrated because I need to work with these people. I'm frustrated because I've worked my ass off to win over their respect and trust, and I lose it overnight because of overzealous asian loyalty. And I'm frustrated because I don't like to lose friends.

Everyone else went out to lunch. I needed a moment to hang back and recoup. I still have a job to do, and I'm not going to let petty personal things get in the way.

Before you cross the street, take my hand

I received an unusual complaint tonight. I was told that I was working too hard and that I needed to take it down a notch. It's not that other people are necessarily slacking off and I was making them look bad. Rather, it's because they somehow feel that I am learning too much about their area of expertise and I have become the customer's go-to-person for problems related to their field. I have been asked to stick to my own area of work and to stop solving their problems, regardless of how much help I am providing.

I'm not quite sure what to do with this information.

Watched half of Mr. Holland's Opus last night, and the second half tonight. The conflicting emotions of joy, sadness, inspiration and loss are confusing. I guess all of that comes with the territory when reminiscing and wondering.

Still we're often told, seek and ye shall find

Things to be thankful for

Driving to work and finally seeing the sun rise again. (Which is ironic, because before this trip, I never got up before the sunrise.)

Having a 3 minute conversation with a manager who cares after being driven crazy for four days by a manager who doesn't.

Waking up to a really nice voicemail from a really fine lady.

Getting hand me downs from the people who get to go home.

Wearing a pink shirt and getting compliments on it (amongst other comments).

Turning around a customer who had been upset, skeptical, and frustrated for weeks.

Feeling the sun on my face and getting to wear a new pair of sunglasses.

Seeing and hearing motorcycles on the road.

Feeling the love from several customers after having been made an emotional punching bag for days.

Having a character flaw gently pointed out to me, and realizing what I need to work on to become a better person.

Starting to wean people off of me and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Sweatpants.

Getting a phone call from my small group at the end of small group, and getting a chance to pray together.

Crying with my small group during said prayer.

Watching the end of Monster's Inc. and remembering how much children love to share what they love with the people they love.

Falling asleep at the end of a long day.

Remembering that I'm not alone, that I don't have to do it all, and that there are people who love me, care for me, and want the best for me.

A God who gifts me with all these things.

It's a place where I can find some peace

The little things

Driving with the window down and the sun on my face. Listening to Moby and Juno Reactor. Electronica is more emotional than I remember. Or maybe there's something wrong with me.

It's been that kind of week.

Why does my heart feel so bad?

Arise and eat

The physical aspect of this job has caught up to me. I'm so tired, I think I could sleep through the rest of this day, and the next day, and wake up sober on Tuesday morning. At that time, it would be nice to be awoken and fed by an angel, only to fall asleep again.

Ah, to dream.

A conglomeration of thoughts

I've been meaning to write for several days now. Unfortunately, I haven't had the time to do so. In no particular order, other than what comes to mind right now.

Community

It's something I've always wanted. It's something I've gone without for the better part of my younger life. I think I experienced good, genuine, loving Christian community for the first time when I was in Australia, and when I came back, I was so inspired by the welcome and love I found that I tried to recreate it here in the States. It's been such a huge mission/passion for me over the years, and yet, I find that the more I grow as a Christian and a person, I find I am in more rarefied company. Ironic. Frustrating. And oftentimes heartbreaking.

The trouble with rarefied company is that it is difficult to find. Worse yet, the people I meet whom I can comfortably consider my peers are not people who generally stick around in one place for too long. We each have our own mission, our own calling. And these moments when we walk together before discovering that our lines no longer cross are simply there for a designed purpose. Encouragement? Affirmation? Proof that we are not alone? Inspiration? Maybe all of the above. Or none. Who am I to guess the intent of such intricate design? All I know is that I cherish those crossings and miss them tenderly when they are gone.

Lent

I have chosen to give up social networking sites. Twitter, facebook, etc. When I sit down to think of things I waste my time on, this is it. It's not like I have a lot of free time to spare when almost everything I do is invested into my company. But if there is one thing I do do for myself, it's trying to stay in touch with people, keeping up with what's going on, and every once in awhile, sending out a cry for help out of my frustration and semi-despair at my semi-isolation here in Denver. I'm still not sure if giving up social networking sites is really a good idea or not, since I sometimes feel it is my last tie to friends and community back at home. I fear this move will turn me back towards reclusiveness again, something I am trying to avoid. In the past, I have given up meat. Another year, I gave up cream and sugar in my coffee. I suspect that this year will be no less difficult. And it will have its desired effect: the pain of loss will press me further into the arms of my God.

What I ask for

And what is given to me... are two very different things. And I wrestled with this extensively on Saturday. As I fought through the emotions of it all, I recalled a heart stopping commitment I made to my God back in the summer. I meant it with sincerity and conviction then. My determination now to fulfill that commitment helped to soothe the turbulence. I accepted what I was given with thanksgiving. I released my grip.

Winds of Change

The breeze is picking up.

And the hardest part was letting go, not taking part

11:43PM

It's the latest I've been up in days. It feels like weeks already. I have already reacclimated to the way of life here. It's not difficult. Work all day. Come "home." Work some more. But the work is not what I had expected. With our entire system down for the past two days, the frenetic crisis resolution I had expected to be occupied with has not occurred. I have had time to think. To plan. To diagnose. To document. It's been a relative vacation. In this time, I have invested significantly in mentoring and building relationships. It's great that my underling has finally started to realize how much he doesn't know and is willing to listen to me from time to time; We tend to have good conversations and the transfer of understanding, not just knowledge, has been satisfying. Of course, he is still the youthful braggert he always is, and wastes no opportunity to try to take me down a notch to show me what a big boy he is. I suppose this is acceptable for now, as he always manages to get both feet stuck in his mouth. I have to tread the line carefully though. It's treacherous to try to play friend/mentor/ and supervisor all at once, and the boundaries are difficult to maintain.

Today, I even had a small opportunity to be mentored as well. The affirmation is... I have no vocabulary word to describe it. I have always respected and enjoyed the man who has become the project manager. I think I have enjoyed him even more after taking a car ride with him into the mountains and having a chance to get to know each other more. The fact that he too is an INFJ helps immensely. So the fact that I suspect that there may be a target on his back and that he may become the fall guy concerns me greatly. I tried to broach the subject with him today, to let him know that this might be the case because I'm not sure if he knows this yet. We were interrupted before I got the chance. He must suspect to some degree, but he has been away from the home office for a long time, and the whispers are growing louder. I wonder if I am out of place to warn him of this concern. I wonder even further if I even should. It will not change the fact that he might be a marked man, but rather, it will only put more weight on his already overburdened shoulders.