Wednesday, February 17, 2010

A conglomeration of thoughts

I've been meaning to write for several days now. Unfortunately, I haven't had the time to do so. In no particular order, other than what comes to mind right now.

It's something I've always wanted. It's something I've gone without for the better part of my younger life. I think I experienced good, genuine, loving Christian community for the first time when I was in Australia, and when I came back, I was so inspired by the welcome and love I found that I tried to recreate it here in the States. It's been such a huge mission/passion for me over the years, and yet, I find that the more I grow as a Christian and a person, I find I am in more rarefied company. Ironic. Frustrating. And oftentimes heartbreaking.

The trouble with rarefied company is that it is difficult to find. Worse yet, the people I meet whom I can comfortably consider my peers are not people who generally stick around in one place for too long. We each have our own mission, our own calling. And these moments when we walk together before discovering that our lines no longer cross are simply there for a designed purpose. Encouragement? Affirmation? Proof that we are not alone? Inspiration? Maybe all of the above. Or none. Who am I to guess the intent of such intricate design? All I know is that I cherish those crossings and miss them tenderly when they are gone.

I have chosen to give up social networking sites. Twitter, facebook, etc. When I sit down to think of things I waste my time on, this is it. It's not like I have a lot of free time to spare when almost everything I do is invested into my company. But if there is one thing I do do for myself, it's trying to stay in touch with people, keeping up with what's going on, and every once in awhile, sending out a cry for help out of my frustration and semi-despair at my semi-isolation here in Denver. I'm still not sure if giving up social networking sites is really a good idea or not, since I sometimes feel it is my last tie to friends and community back at home. I fear this move will turn me back towards reclusiveness again, something I am trying to avoid. In the past, I have given up meat. Another year, I gave up cream and sugar in my coffee. I suspect that this year will be no less difficult. And it will have its desired effect: the pain of loss will press me further into the arms of my God.

What I ask for
And what is given to me... are two very different things. And I wrestled with this extensively on Saturday. As I fought through the emotions of it all, I recalled a heart stopping commitment I made to my God back in the summer. I meant it with sincerity and conviction then. My determination now to fulfill that commitment helped to soothe the turbulence. I accepted what I was given with thanksgiving. I released my grip.

Winds of Change
The breeze is picking up.