Sunday, March 7, 2010

Give and take

I find myself at a familiar crossroads.

It was probably 8 years ago when I asked an old sage a difficult question; How do I do both X and Y when both will demand my full heart and full commitment. The old sage answered, "just learn to say no." I wrestled with this answer for months, if not years. And after all this time, I still have not been able to reconcile her answer. In fact, I am even willing to go so far as say that she is wrong. That she didn't really understand my question. And that she wasn't really a sage at all. I don't think she was ever faced with the divide that I felt and still feel now. While it is true I was overcommitted to many things at the time, she never understood the heart of my question. She could not comprehend that one dream would have to be compromised in order to fulfill the other.

I cannot have my cake and eat it too.

If there is anyone who can tell me not only that it is possible, but how it can be possible, I will be all ears. But I will not stand for false dreams. Show me that it can be done. Or else keep your mouth shut. I will not chase the Holy Grail that represents the complete fulfillment of my heart; I do not think it will be accomplished in this lifetime here on earth. Heaven waits on the other side; I am unconvinced it can be achieved here on earth.

So for now, I am faced with the same question I have been asking myself for quite some time now. Am I living to attain or am I living to give away? Actually, I think I have already answered this in my heart a long time ago. So the real question is, to what am I giving myself to? I have been waiting for open doors and I am confused by the silence.

Perhaps my mistake was in the waiting. I am wondering if now is the time to ask, seek and knock.

Forget the wondering. I've become emboldened to knock.

1 comment:

  1. Good idea: Developing conviction and becoming motivated to do something about it.

    Bad idea: Developing an adrenaline rush at bed time.